The Lost Adventure
by comeawaytoneverland
Summary: Summary: A letter to Dan Howell (This is by far one of my favourites I've written, along with Sad Beautiful Tragic Love Affair)


I used to think we'd spend forever together.

But now I realise how grossly naïve I was to even allow that thought to take root in my mind. There is no such thing as forever. I know that now.

I had often dreamed we'd be like Peter Pan and Wendy; you'd come tapping at my window and take me to a far off place only we knew existed. Daring swordfights, treasure hunts with the lost boys, learning to fly… Spending an eternity together in Neverland; a place not restricted by age or time. I know it's all make believe, but I would do anything with you, especially the impossible.

Truthfully, I don't think it's possible to pinpoint the exact moment when it all went wrong.

Maybe it was the time I ruined that stupid leather shirt, or maybe that fight we had where I went out with Chris just to get on your nerves. Or maybe it was the time you said you hated me. You apologised straight away but it left a scar that never faded. I think that deep down it was something bubbling under the surface for weeks. We just didn't notice until it was too late.

I miss the little things.

Like how you always took longer to get ready, how you'd always groan when I tried to wake you up in the morning, how you'd insist on straightening your hair everyday even though you knew I preferred it natural. I miss how you would consume the entire bowl of popcorn on movie nights, leaving me with the burnt pieces. I miss how you would tell me rubbish jokes to cheer me up when I was feeling down. But most of all, I miss knowing I could ring you at 4am when I needed someone to talk to and you'd be there for me, even if you did fall asleep more often than not.

I've noticed you've stopped making youtube videos.

I find that strange because you always seemed happiest acting in front of a camera.

I still talk to Phil.

But you don't know that. I made him promise to keep it a secret.

He tells me you're still doing the radio show and that you've even been offered another radio slot on a Wednesday evening. I guess that's why the videos stopped.

Or maybe you just wanted more time to spend with her.

Yes, Phil told me all about her.

I want to hate her but that requires knowing the person to warrant the term.

I hear she models for magazines and laughs at your stupid jokes more than I ever did.

I can't say I'm surprised.  
I could always see you dating a model.

I saw you with her today.

Tall blonde and skinny, draped around your body while you laughed at a story she told you with an animated expression etched on her face. I was sat at the window table in Starbucks hoping you wouldn't notice me as you opened the door to let her walk in. She was nearly as tall as you, but I put that down to the black, platform heels she was wearing. She pulled off her blood red, Louis Vitton coat and handed it to you before planting a kiss on your cheek and walking over to the counter. No doubt she'd get something with half a shot, skinny milk and no cream. She seemed like that kind of girl.

You began scanning the room for somewhere to sit and in that moment I would have given anything for the ground to swallow me up. But that didn't happen. You continued looking around the room and glanced in my direction for a split section before looking away again. It was like something clicked in your mind because you turned back to face me. That smile flickered for a moment and then you made your way over and asked if you could sit down. I should have said no. I should have told you that we were over and I wanted nothing more to do with you. But I was stupid and hopeless and I said yes.

You took the seat opposite me and we instanteously slipped back into our old ways, mimicking each other's movements subconsciously and talking as if we hadn't been absent from each other's lives for the past year. You told me everything you'd been up to recently and acted like it was the first time I'd heard about it. I'm guessing Phil is still keeping our secret.

I knew it was inevitable but I couldn't escape the sinking feeling in my stomach when the time came to talk about her. I tried to hide the venom in my voice when I asked about her and I guess either it worked, or you just pretended you couldn't sense it, because you looked over at her briefly and a warm glow filled your face as you turned back to me. I'd never seen you look at anyone like that before.

I learned her name was Claudia and her occupation was a full time model for some big fashion magazine and that sometimes she even did runaway shows. Your radio station held a party at the same location as her fashion company's celebration and that's how you'd met. She hated staying in one place for too long and often travelled but you said you didn't mind. You liked the mystery behind not knowing when you'd see her again.

Then you told me the one thing that made the world come crashing down.

You had asked her to marry you.

_I get the feeling I've found something special with her. _You told me. _I didn't used to believe in this kind of stuff but I think she might be the one. _

I forced a smile and told you I was happy for you.  
Given the chance, I'd lie again.

Three years have passed and I went to your wedding today.

Phil invited me along and we've been together almost two years.

You found out about our secret conversations but you never discovered I was keeping tabs on you. You figured we were just keeping our relationship quiet in case my dating your best friend upset you considering how close you are to him, and how close we used to be.

With the grandeur of the ceremony I'm guessing it cost more than the average wedding price for your perfect day. With the expensive flower arrangements and ice sculptures adorning every single table it seemed obvious to everyone that this would be your one and only wedding.

I found it strange that I wasn't completely over you yet.

Here I was at your wedding to the girl you so obviously loved. I should be happy you found contentment with someone, even if that someone wasn't me. But I couldn't get past that thought tugging away in the back of my mind telling me that I should have stood up in that church and stopped the wedding. I should have told you that even though I was nothing compared to Claudia, I loved you and would appreciate you more than she ever could. But then I remembered what our relationship was really like and instead I bit my tongue and laced my fingers in between Phil's while he whispered in my ear about how one day it might be us up there.

At the reception I watched you share the first dance with your new wife and press your lips passionately against hers. Everyone watched in awe as you twirled her around the dance floor, resting your hand on the small of her back. I guess those dance lessons really paid off.

I couldn't watch any more after that, and I found it hard to ignore the stares from the surrounding people.

Phil appeared and told me he had something to show me. I couldn't ignore the sense of relief as I took his hand and he led me out of the room. He pressed me up against the wall and kissed me passionately and when I asked him if this was the "something he wanted to show me" he laughed and told me it wasn't, and that he just couldn't keep his hands off me any longer.

I'm not sure what I expected.

Phil is nothing like you.

Like my favourite book, I could anticipate every one of your moves and I knew your intentions before you even fully knew them yourself.

But with Phil there was so much mystery. He was quick and adventurous and always tipped the scales.

He led me into one of the smaller function rooms which had the wedding presents stacked in a corner. It was then that I noticed the pram. The sickening feeling engulfed me and I became lightheaded but I tried to hide this for Phil's sake.

_Did you hear? Dan's a dad now! I know I can't believe it either. I only found out today because his mum told me. Apparently they wanted to keep it a secret until the wedding._

I didn't hear much of what he said after that.

I walked over to the pram and took in the features of the tiny baby wrapped inside. She was maybe a few months old, but you'd know more about that than me. She looked exactly like you; her dimples already beginning to show and she has those deep brown eyes of yours, the ones that stare directly into your soul. Phil told me you've decided to call her Lily.

Don't tell anyone this but I think she's beautiful, just like her dad.

It's been six months since I wrote the last part of this letter and honestly, I'm not sure how to bring this round to its conclusion. Phil and I are still very much together. In fact, he asked me to marry him yesterday. I know that's the kind of situation where you're meant to give an answer straight away but I told him I'd think about it.

I know we live completely separate lives now Dan, but I had always imagined it would be me you saw walking down the aisle on your wedding day. I always imagined it would be our baby you held in your arms for the first time, with that beaming smile on your face while you took in the creation we made together. But I guess that was the adventure that never came to be.

I've been given a second chance at this adventure.

So, I'm going to say yes to Phil.

Like you said to me all those years ago in that coffee shop; _I think I've found something special._

I feel that way about Phil.

Maybe I'll never love him the way I loved you, but I don't believe it's possible to love every person exactly the same way. All I know is I don't want to ever lose him.

So I guess we've reached the end, the conclusion, the final page.

I doubt you'll ever read this letter. I have at least five addresses I could send it to but I hear you move to a new country nearly every month.

But I'm going to send it to you in the hopes that one day, one day it might finally reach you.

I love you Dan.


End file.
